Communication

In addition to learning to be more assertive and to resolve conflicts well, other communication skills will help you get along better with friends, family, and coworkers, with the result being less stress.

Nonverbal Communication
 
Notice the body posture of your peers. During a boring class, they will probably be learning away from the lecturer or group. We call this physical behavior body language. Communicating by the body posture often says as much as the spoken word. When people feel uncomfortable about expressing their thoughts or feelings verbally, body language is sometimes the only form of communication they participate in.
 
We all recognize the importance of communicating nonverbally, since we smile when we say hello, scratch our heads when perplexed, and hug a friend to show affection. We show appreciation, affection, revulsion and indifference with expressions and gestures.
 
Verbal Communication
 
Unfortunately, the nonverbal expression of feelings and thoughts is easy to misinterpret. Consequently, depending on nonverbal communication alone to express yourself is to risk being misunderstood. Furthermore, if another person is depending on nonverbal communication to express feelings to you, it is up to you to ask - verbally - whether you are getting the right message. Without such a reality check, the other person, while totally failing to connect, might assume that he or she is communicating effectively.
 
Check out your impressions of someone's nonverbal communication, and improve your communication by making your nonverbal and verbal messages as consistent as you can.

Planning Time To Talk
 
To improve your communication with others, you may need to plan time for discussions. Accept all feelings and the right for the verbal expression of these feelings, and take a risk and really describe your thoughts and feelings. Don't expect the other person to guess what they are.

Listening
 
The listening and paraphrasing is effective in regular conversation, as well as during conflict. All of us can do a better job at listening. Try to pay more attention to this aspect of your communications.

Beginning with Agreement
 
You would be surprised at how much better you can communicate with someone with whom you disagree if you start your message with a point on which you do agree. For instance, if you are disagreeing about who should take out the trash, you might begin by saying "I agree that it is important that the trash be taken out now."

"And" not "But"

The word "but" is like an eraser; it erases everything that precedes it. When someone says, "Yes, your needs are important, but…" they are saying, "Your needs may be important, but let's forget them because I'm about to tell you what's really important." In other words, the importance of your needs is being eradicated and now we can focus on what really matters.

Substituting the word "and" for "but" is so simple and yet so significant. "And" leaves what preceded it on the table and adds something to it. "Your needs are important and…" means that we will not discount your needs; we will just consider them in addition to considering what will be presented next.

"I"

Too often we try to get other people to behave or believe as we do. Others naturally resent that, just as we resent it when others try to get us to behave or believe as they do. When we say "you", we are making the other person feel that he or she is being criticized and needs to defend himself or herself. When we say "I", we are focusing on our feelings, beliefs, and interpretations. Feeling less defensive, the other person is more likely to listen to us, and the result is communication that is more effective.

Avoid "Why"

As with statements that include "you" instead of "I", questions that start with "why" make the other person defensive. "Why did you leave so early?" makes the other person have to justify leaving early. In addition, "why" questions are often veiled criticisms.

On the next page we will discuss Social Support Networking.